85 days
by xoangeeel
Summary: 85 days seems like and eternity when the person you're in love with is suddenly gone.


**Kendall,**

**It's been about 3 weeks since you've been gone. I don't know how I've made it, I haven't been handling this well but that's expected. Carlos made me go to counseling I don't know why but she gave me this to journal to write what I feel. I'm going to write to you every day. Tell you how much I miss and love you, so you never forget. So I never forget. I'll start on the next page and write from the day you left this world, until as long as I need to... I'll probably need a new journal. I'm going to write to you every day until I die – yes the counselor will read this but it'll all be the truth. So let's start with day one, the day you left me – and I'll write to you until the present day. And then of course, everyday after that.**

_**Day 1.**_

I woke up and rolled over to look at that familiar face that i loved. The only problem was, you weren't there. I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. You were never somebody who woke up early... So I had thought maybe you were making breakfast. I rolled out of bed and grabbed my sweat pants pulling them on. I didn't smell any food; I didn't hear the shower running either. Something was clearly wrong. The TV wasn't on, everything was just silent.

I should've known. I stopped in the doorway of our bedroom my breathing getting harder. Did you just not come home last night Kendall? Or did you go out to get us some coffee? I looked across the hall and that was it.

My knees hit the floor. That was the moment I had found you. All of a sudden, I felt the walls crashing down around me, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't make sense of what was going on. I crawled across the hallway and went to your unmoving body. I could feel the sharp pains in my chest getting sharper every time i stared at you lifeless body. Laying on our bathroom floor. I wrapped my arms around you tightly tears streaming down my face, my eyes burning. I knew this was my entire fault.

That's one thing my mind will never be able to erase, the scene of you unmoving. Your chest was no longer moving. I'll never be able to unlive that day, Kendall. That morning was the worst morning of my life.

I eventually found the strength to get up; I called the ambulance and Carlos, and James. Everybody was there in a matter of minutes. I watched them take you out, Kendall. I watched them do it on my knees practically screaming, while Carlos was holding me, crying and James staring blankly at the wall.

All of us we're trying to make sense of this. James drove us following the ambulance. I put my head against the window, crying to myself.

I couldn't believe, you were gone.

_**Day 2.**_

It was a long day and night. The doctors tried everything they could for you. When your family arrived your mother hugged me, crying uncontrollably. I held her tightly as we both cried. Your father standing there, no expressions or emotions on his face. Kevin was sliding down the wall the last time i had looked at him, screaming as he cried "no no no. why Kendall" was all I heard. Kenneth was trying to comfort him and everybody else who needed it.

Dustin sat by your bed side Kendall. Everybody knows he's taking this hard; he's just not going to admit it. Everybody is going to take this hard - especially me.

I watched them move you from the bed to the long stretcher. I ran my fingers through your hair once more, and they covered you up with the thin white blanket. I was no longer going to see that perfect face, or those green eyes.

I still can't believe you're gone, I refuse to believe it.

Kendall, you're coming back, right? You wouldn't leave me alone like this. This whole this is so fucked up. Nobody's happy without you. And you made everybody happy Kendall. I miss your laugh and smile. Your loving voice and touch.

_**Day 3.**_

That day was nothing. Nothing consumed that day besides the fact Carlos, James and I sat there for hours beyond hours trying to make sense of it all.

We sat in Carlos' living room. James holding onto Fox crying into his fur. Carlos petting Sydney as tears fell down his face. I remained lying on the floor, silently crying to myself.

That was the day we realized - There's no Big Time Rush without Kendall Schmidt. Kendall, we can't do this without you. Big Time Rush isn't anything anymore, to any of us.

We spent that day crying, and wondering what all of us would do now that we no longer have you.

_**Day 4.**_

The story got leaked to the press; it's all over the internet. I won't go on twitter or on any site like that. It'd just be too hard. I have a feeling it would be on TV too, so I just watch movies.

Kendall, our fans miss you. Carlos said he's gotten thousands of tweets, and videos about what happened. James called me earlier to say he went to go get some coffee and a few fans came up to him crying. You were one of a kind, love. Every fan we had loved you with all of their hearts.

Did I mention I found your note this morning? Well I did. I saw how shaky your familiar hand writing was. Tears came down fast as I read the letter. Kendall, this has to be all my fault. Why didn't you come to me, you could've told me anything.

Why did you leave me?

Well, obviously, I know that reason now… but it's still so hard to believe. Why Kenny… why?

_**Day 5.**_

I showed your mother the note today. She read it sobbing. I'm sorry I showed her Kendall. She needed to know. She didn't say much about it, but I could tell by the way she looked at me. She was defiantly blaming me for all of this.

I mean, I don't blame her.

_**Day 6.**_

I just got back from helping set up your services. I didn't want to do it Kendall. I didn't want to have to set up all any of that.

Although it was just me and your family, I couldn't control myself. They'd say "Mr. Schmidt" and I'd start crying all over the place hysterically.

I was never prepared for something like this to happen. I don't know how something like this could happen. Kendall you didn't have to leave me. I can't live in a world without you.

I'm dreading these services, having to say goodbye to you.

_**Day 7.**_

It's been one exact week since you've left me. I don't know how I've lasted this long. There's not a second that you don't cross my mind.

I still haven't watched much TV. I did get online though, I didn't get on twitter, but I checked our fan facebook.

Kendall, our fans miss you so much. Nobody's going to be the same anymore. I don't know how myself, or anybody for that fact will move on for this.

Especially me, Kendall. How do I move on from this, you were everything to me.

_**Day 8.**_

I'm helping a little more with the funeral arrangements today; I just wanted to say I miss you.

_**Day 9.**_

I swear everything's getting harder and harder. I was lying in bed this morning, reading your note one more time. Fuck, Kendall. I'm going to read it everyday.

Carlos walked in though. He took the paper from me and read it. He's so mad at me. He started yelling at the top of his lungs. James wasn't there yet so I just took it in. I'd be angry too. I just sat there and cried, and allowed him to yell.

He walked out and said something along the lines "I can't fucking believe you. I'm never talking to you again"

No sooner than 10 minutes later James came running in. I take it he had talked to Carlos cause he said nothing, just hugged me.

_**Day 10.**_

Today was the day of your funeral. It was open casket… I didn't want that. But I had to deal. I went over and looked down at you.

Kendall I wish you had opened your eyes. I wish at that moment looking down at you lifeless you had just came back to me.

Kendall your body's so cold… they need to cover you up. I need to cuddle with you to warm you up. I don't want to do this alone anymore. I want to stay Big Time Rush and live our dream together. I want you and me, forever.

I leaned down and kissed your cheek, the corner of your lips to be exact. Your cold face now the last taste besides tears on my lips.

Carlos gave me a quick hug, but didn't say much to me that day. James stood right by my side.

Kevin was a wreck; your whole family was a wreck. It was so hard watching all of our loved ones cry over you. Knowing this was partially my fault makes me feel terrible.

_**Days 11-13**_

Nothing has happened in these days. I laid in bed. And James came over a few times to make sure I was alright. My mom stopped in at one point and brought me over some food.

Speaking of food, I haven't really eaten lately. I have no appetite. I don't talk to anybody. People have texted and called but I just don't answer. I only want it to be you.

It gets harder and harder every day.

On day 13 is when James and Carlos brought me to counseling. That's when I got this journal. She told me to write down anything and everything. I figured I'd write to you.

Carlos still hasn't talked to me, except to explain why he wanted me to go. I miss you I have nobody here.

_**Day 14.**_

Present day. I woke up this morning to knocking on the door. I did everything I could to drag myself out of bed… I don't want to wake up without you with me.

I heard my phone going off and I looked at it. It as Carlos.

I figured that meant it was him at the door. So I pulled myself out of bed and looked in the mirror quickly.

For the first time in 2 weeks, the 2 weeks you've been gone. I looked at myself.

I look like a zombie. I'm so pale, my face is gloopy. I'm starting to worry about myself.

I splashed some water on my face and let Carlos in. He hung out for a little while and apologized. He din't need to, I knew he blamed me for this. Just as much as I blamed myself.

We walked to your gravesite with him. Your mother was there. We all sat there and cried for hours. We all miss you so much. We all promised yo be there for each other no matter what.

We then went out to lunch. But I couldn't hold it down Kendall. I tried. You're going to be so mad at me if I don't start eating. But I can't do it. My body doesn't want it.

On my way home I stopped to the store and bought a bottle of vodka. I needed to be okay for one night.

But that didn't help. As I started drinking the tears started flowing down my face. I started to get mad and pulled the pictures off the wall breaking them. I can't stand to look at you knowing you're not going to come back.

God dammit Kendall. COME BACK. You need to come back.

I slid down the wall taking another sip… hell it was no sip. I'm chugging this bottle. I threw the bottle hearing it smash and just cried.

Kendall I've cried every single day since you've been gone. I can't stand the thought of you not being here, and not coming back to me.

You promised you'd always come back to me, always come home. But here I am. 14 days away from you. Why is this happening to me? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.

_**Day 15 - 17.**_

I had nothing to say, nothing to write. I've been sleeping, and drinking. I haven't been in contact with anybody. I've had nothing to say to anybody.

I just want to get used to being alone. Cause that's what life is going to be like from now on. Lonley.

James has come over a few times. Just came in checked on me quickly then left. Like I said, I laid here and didn't talk. I have nothing to say.

I swear I heard you today, or felt your presence. I was laying in bed and it was like you were with me. I could feel you wrap your arms around me and whisper you loved me in my ear. I miss your voice Kendall.

I miss you in general. I miss you so much.

Maybe if I stay asleep long enough, I can live in a dream land with you. Forever. And finally have you back with me.

That's the only thing that'll stop the tears. You.

_**Day 18.**_

I went to my moms. I found the energy to get out of bed and shower. I needed to look at least a little decent.

I told her how I had felt about you, she cried. But she knew we always had something there. Kendall, I wish you had told me before. I wouldn't have been so scared to show you I felt the same way. I just needed you to say something to set the spark to finally just be together. I needed to know you had the same feelings.

But that came too late. Fuck Kendall, I wish you had just told me. We'd be so happy right now.

Remember that first kiss we had? It was magical wasn't it? I wish I could go back to that night, and just told you everything, how you made my heart race. How you made me smile just being in the room. Nobody could be in a bad mood with you around.

You'd smile with those perfect dimples and look at us with those perfect green eyes, and it'd set anybody off. Just one touch and you could make somebody hot.

I actually showed my mom the note. She didn't say a single thing. She looked at me sadly and held me tight. She kept telling me this wasn't my fault. But it is my fault. Everything is my fault. If it wasn't for me, you'd be here right now. You'd be holding me. We'd all be happy.

Kendall, what is anybodys life without you…?

_**Day 19.**_

Carlos, James and I met up with the management today. We've all decided we'd do a memory episode for you. And with the songs we've recoded make one last EP. There's no Big Time Rush without you Kendall.

You were basically the main character on the show. You were basically the voice of the band. When you spoke, everybody stared. We can't go on with the band without you. And that's what we decided.

WE went through some of the rumors – they were sick Kendall. People are horrible. WE decided to set everything straight and do a radio interviews, make an official press release, and do a TV appearance.

Everything would go down within the next week. We also have to fly to New York for the TV appearance.

That's going to be torture. Everybody's going to have to see me. I hope they can do something about the way I look… I don't want to scare people, you know?

If you were here, we wouldn't be having this problem.

_**Day 20.**_

Kendall, make them stop. Make them stop pushing me to go to therapy. It's not helping. Nothing's going to help me. She bitched me out this morning telling me I need to stop writing to you. Well guess what? I'm going to keep writing to you. I have nothing to say, other than things to say to you.

You're the only person who won't judge me, ever. I just wish I could back to a world living like that. Where everything was okay because you were here.

**Day 21 – 25.**

It's been a long 4 days Kendall. We're in NYC right now. I'm sitting in my hotel room. It'd be our hotel room if you were here.

Then again, if you were here I wouldn't be sitting in NYC now would I? I plan on walking around Times Square tonight, something you loved to do. We always had so much fun when we went on tour here.

They asked us so many questions this morning Kendall, it was so hard to stay strong. I'm sorry that I can't do that anymore. You know, stay strong…

When we walked out so many fans went up to me and hugged me. They didn't say a thing, just hugged me. They were crying Kendall… our fans were crying cause they miss you. They miss you as much as I do. One hugged me and told me everything would be ok.

I decided to get on twitter for the first time that night. I read through my mentions a bit, then posted lyrics from a song quickly (you know how I am) _I write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue.. cause there's no address in the stars. I miss you bud._

Mentions quickly went crazy saying how much they missed my tweets, and that they miss you. _Thanks for the love guys! Miss you all. Sorry for the lack of tweets! _

Every Interview we have went too has asked the same questions, to me it seems to get easier on the other boys, but for me… it's harder. I hate having to talk about you. Especially in the sense you're not coming back to me.

I'm sorry for the lack of writing, I've been busy, and if I haven't been busy, I've been crying. That's all I seem to do in my spare time though… cry. I wish I could just touch you one more time.

_**Day 26.**_

I'm headed back to the house today. I decided that I'm going to ask James to help clean with me a bit. The house has been a wreck. Mostly because I just don't care about the way I live anymore.

I promise I won't go into your room. I can't bring myself to breathe in your scent that much yet… I know eventually it'll happen. But, I know when it does I'm not going to be able to control my emotions.

-_ Later_

Sorry I stopped randomly I fell asleep on the plane, but I'm home now. James and Carlos both helped me clean. The house looks a little better, but there's no doubt that it'll go right back to a pig pen.

We sat down and watched spiderman… your favorite movie. I still can't bring myself to smile though Kendall… I can't smile without you around. You were the reason for my smile.

_**Day 27.**_

I don't plan on doing anything today. I'm just going to lay down in bed and look through some of our old stuff, and watch videos….

I figured out what Kogan really meant today… that did make me laugh a bit. After all the years we spent trying to piece what it really was together, I finally figured it out. You'd be laughing so hard.

God, I miss your laugh. I hope I can hear it again, cause I know you're coming back…

_**Day 28.**_

We went to the studio today, to try to figure out what we were going to do about the last few songs we needed to record. James got your solos. I knew I couldn't sing something that was meant to be yours.

Mostly because nobody has your voice, nobody can ever replace you. In any way, shape or form.

I swear I felt you there with me, I could feel you rubbing my arm when I felt like I was going to cry. I just cry when I think of you being here with me. Nothings okay without you Kendall.

I still can't make sense of you being gone. It's been almost a month and I don't know what to do with myself.

James is still worried sick about me. Especially due to the fact he walked on me drunk as hell last night crying in bed.

He rocked me until I fell asleep. I feel like I'm sucking everything out of Carlos and him. I just don't know what else to do anymore.

_**Day 29.**_

Everything's starting to become a reality…. I woke up to go wrap my arms around you again, and you weren't there. Kendall, you're not coming back are you?

_**Day 30.**_

It's been one month since you've been gone. One whole month without your touch, voice, smell, just everything. It's been a month since I've been around any of it.

I haven't made any progress at all. I'm not any better, if anything I think I'm worse.

Dustin, Carlos, and James came over today. I've talked to Dustin here and there but he's been distant. We decided we'd spend the day together. We went to the beach and sat in the sand watching the waves. Carlos started crying, I feel like he even believed you were actually coming back.

It all really hit us today you're gone. We're no longer going to have you ever.

When we went to your grave James brought fox. It was so weird because fox went right up to the stone and curled up next to it. He misses you too. Hell, we all miss you like crazy.

The rest of the day was spent at our house, where we went through old videos, pictured, and listened to music. I think we all laughed at some of the memories that we had brought up. For the first time in a month, I smiled.

But realize, it was only because it had to do with you.

_**Day 31.**_

My therapist told me I really need to stop doing this today. But I can't.

I need to talk to you every day. I need to have some sort of connection with you. This is the only way I'll ever get that connection. But besides therapy, everybody left me alone. I needed that.

I needed to collect my thoughts together. I've been in denial up until now. But finally everything's coming together. I know this is happening, I know you're not coming back. I just wish you would. For one day!

Just one day is all I want…

_**Day 32.**_

When I woke up I walked out of the bedroom to find James sleeping on the couch. Kendall, I'm killing them. Just like I feel like I killed you… they're always making sure I'm okay, and not alone. This isn't fair to them either.

They need to cope with this on their own, not worry about me. That's when it all really hit.

I started to cry and James quickly woke up, and pulled me down on the couch. He held me tight and let me cry, and cried to. Throughout this, I can tell James really cares. He hasn't left my side. He's scared.

He told me he was scared. I feel so bad, knowing this is what I have done to him and Carlos.

I've been scaring them.

_**Day 33 – 37.**_

I haven't written because I haven't known what to say.

I just, have sat here in the chair and stared out the window hoping to see you walk up the sidewalk.

Carlos, James, even Dustin has come in to check on me. I can tell Dustin finally got a grip on what's going on and decided he needed to start to come around too.

I just, don't know what to say or do about this anymore. I just want you to hold me and tell me everything's alright.

_**Day 38.**_

I did it. I did the one thing you always dreaded seeing on anybody.

Remember when the fans would write us letter, telling us about why we saved their lives, and what's happened to them? The fans we met that had scars all up their arms?

I broke a glass cup today and dragged a piece across my skin. Hoping to find some relief, or at least a bit alive. The first cut did nothing for me besides make me bleed a little. I dragged the glass across my skin once more.

And then wasn't that a rush. I sat against the wall in the kitchen and watched myself bleed. I'm sorry I did it to myself, I just needed the rush…

Carlos came in though. He ran over to me picking up the glass and throwing it away.

I knew he must've called James when he was in the bathroom getting me a towel to help me clean up the blood because James was over in minutes.

_**Day 39-40.**_

I haven't really been able to write. Everybody's been too busy watching me. Making sure I don't fuck up again. And that's exactly what I feel like I am. A fuck up.

I have nothing to say about the last 2 days. And I'm sorry.

_**Day 41.**_

They found out I haven't been going to therapy. I just don't want to go anymore, I cant take her constantly telling me what I can and can't do.

While the boys were at the house Carlos found this journal. I told him to put it down, I actually completely snapped and told him to leave it the hell alone and never look or ask me about it again. We're all a wreck.

He left the house crying. James must've been downstairs, because he did come up to yell at me.

"You know you need to move on. Or you need to let us in enough to help you. Holding onto the past isn't going to help you. And that's what you need Logan. You need help! Let the fuck go won't you? You're just dragging the rest of down"

I can't let go, and I'll never let go of you Kendall. I promise.

_**Day 42.**_

I was left alone today, no phone calls, or texts, no emails.

They all just left me alone.

And that's what I wanted, I wanted to be left alone. I don't need anybody but you.

_**Day 43-46.**_

They left me alone one more day. But when I woke up following Dustin was there. He was watching TV.

He smiled at me a bit, and then told me to sit down. "Hey bud, are you alright?"

I looked around. I know I hadn't been drinking... but something came over me "Dustin, where's Kendall…?"

His face went white, and I could see tears welling up into his eyes. All choked up and responded with a "hold on" minutes later Carlos came in and put his arm around me.

He told me you were gone. And that's when it hit. It really hit me. I've said it so many times. But today, it was true.

You're not coming back. I went to get out of his grip and run up the stairs, but suddenly I had become light headed.

Everything went blank.

When I had woke up today I was in the hospital. I had some feeding tubes in me, and a few other things that I had no idea what it was.

The boys keep staring at me, James brought Halston with him today to the hospital and she cried at the sight of me.

I looked at her and told her I'd be okay, but she didn't believe it. She teared up in front of me and told me I need to take care of myself, for you.

But what's the point in that? What's the point in living in a world without you? You're not here anymore.

_**Day 47.**_

Now, I've had many dreams about you, but it this one, you were fading. I didn't even see your green eyes.

God Kendall, you're just not around anymore. My memory of you is going away. I'm forgetting exactly how you look.

I can look at so many photos, but they capture time and memories. They're not GIFs. They don't move kendall.

_**Day 48.**_

I got released from the hospital this morning, my mom came to get me. Everybody decided I needed to be home with my family. Presley is getting so big. She made me smile a bit with her hug when I walked through the door.

My mom is bringing me to the house tonight so I can get some of my things. I hope you don't mind if I bring one of your flannels back, I need something there to remind me of you.

_**Day 49-50.**_

I've mostly slept these past couple of days. I'm sorry if I don't write for the next few weeks. I'm really going to try to make everybody happy. But I promise when I get the chance I'll write a quick sentence or so. I'll keep you updated on how I'm doing.

_**Day 51 – 60.**_

It's been like ten days and I'm so sorry. My families been keeping me occupied for the most part.

My mom makes me eat every few hours. I know she's happy to see me eat, but. Its so hard to eat everything she gives me.

But she makes me do it.

Presley and I went swimming almost everyday. She dragged me out. But, I had fun in the mean time. She's so full of energy. It almost reminded me of you.

There was never a second that I didn't think of you though.

I had so many dreams about you. I get to go home in ten days though. I decided that when I'll finally go into your bedroom. Just because I can. I haven't been there in quite a while. It's actually been about 2 months…

I just wish I could see you one last time still. A part of me still hoped you'll come back. But I know that's not going to happen, is it?

_**Day 61 – 63.**_

My mom asked me about the journal today… she found it in my room. I simply told her, I just write how I feel, or to you… she just nodded and told me that probably wasn't a good idea, but that if it's helping me cope, then let she'll let it be.

My family misses you. We all do.

I love you Kendall. So much.

_**Day 64 - 70**_

The same old stuff happened the rest of the week, I didn't want to tell you the same thing over and over again, so I just didn't write. And I'm sorry. But I'm home now. I'm sitting in your bedroom. On your bed. It smells just like you in here.

I laid down for a while and fell asleep. Your pillows still have your scent. God Kendall, I miss your scent. It felt good to be able to breathe it in for a while.

_**Day 71.**_

I went out to eat with the boys today, They were all so happy to see I have put on weight. I hope you're proud of me too! That's alli want to make you proud, even if you can't be here with me..

I wish you were here though. I'm never going to be the Logan that I once was.

Because when you left, I lost a part of me. That part of me will forever be missing.

Unless you come back, but we've been over that, it's not going to happen.

_**Day 72.**_

I went out today. I decided I needed some air, and I need to get out of a place where I have been suffocating myself for so long. I walked to the park and sat on the swings, for about an hour.. then I made my way to your grave.

I think that's when I decided I was going to go through with this.

I sat there and stared at the cold stone. I have brought you a rose each time I've came here. There are at least 20. I usually come here late at night when I'm drunk and upset. Speaking of, I think I'm just going to go get a bottle of alcohol and lay here with you for the night, if that's okay?

_**Day 73.**_

I woke up as soon as the sun came up. Still laying in front of your grave. I'm sorry I did that, I didn't actually expect myself to sleep here. I just missed you. I hummed you're not alone and worldwide to you last night, that's all I remember.

Remember when you used to sing me to sleep?

I miss it.

When I got back to our house James was sitting on the couch, and yelled at me. Telling me how worried he was about me, and that nobody could find me.

If any of them seriously knew me right now, wouldn't the first place they'd look be your grave site?

_**Day 74 – 80.**_

I slept these few days, I kept having dreams about you. So that's all I wanted. To sleep so I could see you.

You were with me this whole time, I knew it. I knew you weren't leaving me alone. When I talk to you, it's like you're there.

I feel you getting closer to me.

Maybe it's time.

_**Day 81.**_

I went to visit your mother today, she seemed happy to see me.

She asked how I've been and I told her the truth. I'm still a wreck Kendall. I miss you. Your mom misses you.

She pulled out a small box, with some of your things inside of it. She showed me what was in there then handed it too me. I love her for that. It had a couple of your favorite shirts, your old iPod, a few spirderman things.

It made me smile, seeing some of the things you loved.

Later, I went to therapy. The therapist was happy to see I've put on some weight. I think everybody's happy I have. I mean I look better… but I really don't feel better.

It's like I live everyday on reply. The pain is so real Kendall. It doesn't go away. I don't think it ever will.

I'm so sick of the feeling; my chest aches all the time. I feel sick with just the thought of you. I hate being around people. I don't need friends anymore because it's not worth it unless there's you.

_**Day 82 – 84.**_

I visited my mother. She missed me. She was so happy to see me she cried. I spent the night with my sister, then went home and spent some time with the boys. Other than that it's been nothing but sleep.

I also visited twitter one more time. I haven't been on since the last time I've spoke of it. I left a quick tweet.

_I love you all, never forget that! I appreciate your kind words._

I'm headed to the store right now… I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, but I have an idea in mind.

You're getting closer to me I can feel it. It's time for me to go.

_**Day 85.**_

It's midnight, I bought a rope, and I'm really going to do this.

I've decided this would be a quick way; I just want to get it over with.

85 days without you has been too long, and I can't take another of day being here without you. .

I need to hear your voice again; I need to feel your touch. I miss you, but I won't need to any longer.

Love is strong Kendall, strong enough to drive a person insane. And I did it to you; I only need to do it to myself.

I tied the rode on the steel shower pole. It's high enough off the ground. I just have to do it.

I'll see you soon. I love you Kendall.

Logan.

**Carlos went over to Kendall and Logan's house that day to find Logan unconscious on the floor with the rope around his neck. He was gone.**

**He quickly called James and Dustin. The paramedics hadn't made it yet. The boys stood there all crying, blaming themselves. They felt like they pressured Logan into moving on so bad, and he just couldn't. **

**They came to the conclusion love can make you do anything. Logan couldn't handle being without Kendall another day. None of them thought it'd actually come down to this though. The only thing that could make Logan happy was being with Kendall. And now he was. He was happy. They all needed to realize that.**

"_Hi" Logan heard in that familiar voice he loved so much. He quickly turned around and looked in those green eyes he missed so much._

"_Hi" He smiled and wrapped his arms around the man he loved and missed so much. Kendall picked Logan up and spun him around "I missed you so much, I'm sorry I put you through all that"_

_Logan quickly shook his head and whispered "No. I love you Kendall. I needed to be with you again._

_And like that, Kendall took his hand and they walked off together into the clouds. Finally being able to live the life they've always wanted to live. _

_The life Logan had been dreaming about for the past 85 days._


End file.
